Life is getting easier without a partner to share life with, but it definitely has it's challenges. I realize how much I've been depending on and using men (relationships) in my life to strengthen me. In some cases I even see I take advantage of the strengths that men have, and for this, I am not proud.
One example is that I could either go to a car mechanic and pay them what they ask me, or try to "save" money by spending time with a "man friend" who has the time and love for me to fix my car. As I was watching my friend fix up my van today, marveling at the difficulty of fixing a broken radiator, I had a greater appreciation for car mechanics. What they do is not fun, nor is it easy. It definitely take a lot of time to get in the engine, and it's really boring, stinky, leads to horrible body posture and it's messy.
I admittedly felt ashamed for asking him for help and not sucking it up and paying the amount the mechanic asked me. What I realized is trying to save a couple bucks and getting a friend to do it for free is not right. In the long run, it's a bad habit to get myself into. When things break down I either need to fix them or take them to a mechanic. Since I never plan on becoming a mechanic, it's important for me to realize that part of my money needs to go to that. Time is money.
I haven't been in a far-ingrained habit of working and making money in many years. For this reason, I am excited and ready to start my new life in Idaho making good money and getting into the habit of waking up and going to work. My lack of financial strength has really been holding me back in Hawaii and has led me to spend time with people that I wouldn't normally spend time with. The kind of people that fix cars are the kind to eat meat, cuss, drink and never do yoga. Why partner up and pose as a friend when I know the truth deep down inside. It is now I am really just now understanding the difference between a friend and a business relationship. I have really confused so many boundaries and relationships in my life because of money. It's incredible how powerful and important money is...
I am looking forward to moving on.. to starting anew... It's been intense being with my lover and friend, Eric, for almost two years and then separating. He makes it out to be like the separation has been very easy for him, as for me it has been really hard. But, moving on and being in Idaho will be really really good for me. I feel so attached to him. Only time heals.
I feel bad distracting myself with things to get me to move on, but I realize this is only productive because he has no plans or desire to get back with me. It's like I want to be true to my authentic heart and pray for me to be led back to him, but it takes two to tango.
Bottom line: My life is going to be so different when I have money. I make poor decisions when the money fear and lack present. I am not hurting people, only hurting myself. Yes, I am not making the best decisions now, so I post pone better decisions for the future. This doesn't even sound like it is allowed in spiritual terms. hahah. I will try to make better decisions in the future and realize using people to get free stuff to save me money is not winning in the long run. The shame is not healthy. I want to be proud of myself...
So, here's to ending my mission of poverty and here's to abundance coming my way. Here's to making better decisions not clouded with fear and lack. Here's to entering a partnership with strength.
I love myself so much
I accept myself
I am on a journey!!!
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