2013- Blasting Away All Obstacles

I am feeling MORE and MORE free to express myself and I am feeling the lightness of this new year/paradigm/shift. Through writing, I am beginning to understand the deeper side of the limitations my mind places on my life. Over the last 5 years, in specific, I have become best friends with perfectionism. Why? Because if you understand the ins and outs of this perfected form of imprisonment, you begin to understand how to escape.

The first step is being able to recognize that you are your worst enemy. I am currently staying at a community of like-minded people- the kind that do their spiritual work and remain conscious not to project their issues onto others. Being in this environment allows me to understand how many negative things I make up in my head that I assume people are saying about me. Today, as I was walking through the land, feeling like any second someone was going to yell at me for doing someone wrong, I felt like I was walking on egg shells. It was such a dis-empowering feeling that I felt like fleeing to my van and having a crying session with my inner child.

Also, at times when I think the whole world around me is saying negative things about me, I want to run. Far, far away. This is also a very undesirable, trapped-like feeling. So, I decided to breathe into the pain and at least entertain the thought that my negative thoughts of ME are perpetuated by me.... It's not like I'm telepathically hearing what people are thinking about me... It's just ME taking off the focus from what I'm doing to think about things that don't matter and that are HUGE wastes of time.

The sensation to quit and run away from my creative project of making an AcroSage video was so strong that I started thinking out the logistics of the escape plan. I took a huge sigh and thought, "Ugh, I really really don't want to go there. I'd rather assume that things are going to work out, and that I'm meant to be here, and that I am liked and that I am welcome here".

I think a huge reason that I run away from grounding my visions and spending time being creative, is because deep deep down there is a dark seeded pain of feeling that, no matter what I do, I'm not good enough. I'm inherently flawed...

That depression zone hasn't ruled my life as of late. I find myself pushing over obstacles. I hear myself speak out loud to myself when my mind is swirling and buzzing inside my head. I spontaneously do affirmations. I ask myself often, "Ok, we finished that creative project-- what next?!?!?"

I feel so much forward momentum with the new year, and I am so grateful to be spending a sustained amount of time rising in my power (creativity). I believe I relate most everything in life to my creativity. I have no plan, no desire, no divine purpose to be a mother in this lifetime. Instead, my divine purpose is to birth my own unique form of bodywork/yoga, and share it with people. My spirit work becomes my baby. I have to remind myself of this often. Because, the more I honor my creative work and nurture my creative artist like a baby, the more clearly I understand WHY I am here.

Many out there say life isn't easy. I'd agree with that, except for one caveat; life isn't easy if you constantly fight your divine purpose or decide it's not worth the search to figure out what really makes you happy. Once you align with that which you ARE- that which makes you come ALIVE- the more grace and ease spirit showers.

I am blessed to know what I am here for. May the obstacles continue to be smashed into little pieces of no-thing-ness. A ho!

Are you ready to work?

Two nights ago I raged out on myself. It was profound and welcomed. Deep down inside I was eager to know why I was feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. I knew I held all the answers within; it was just a matter of creating a certain atmosphere and series of situations to lead me down the rabbit hole into my explosive truth..

The major theme that came up for me was empowerment. I suddenly saw how my believing very little in myself and me barely supporting my dreams and what I'm passionate about has had majorly negative repercussions for my life and thus those close to me. When one operates from a state of fear and low self confidence, there is a tendency to look outside for all the answers and entertainment. This is short winded experience of happiness because you never quite understand what the big trigger of perpetual happiness is-- instead, it remains mysterious and spontaneous.

Since I know now the root of much of my unhappiness, a profound shift has occurred. I am beginning to ask myself, "What can I do for you today so that you feel empowered?" I feel so flattered every time I ask myself that question.

Hum.. Let's start with the fact that I feel unequal with men because I have a resistance to fixing things. My van (home) is broken and I've been putting off repairs with little respect toward my own sense of worth and feeling comfortable. Combating that habit, I awoke and realized taking care of my home- the place I live--- is a crucial way to support myself.

I also noticed that, since my van (mobile home) was constructed by my ex-lover, it still had his energy all over it. When he started building the vision, I started expressing my giddy excitement about painting the interior of the van. He shrugged his shoulders and said it looked better with just the wood finish. At that point in my journey and in my lower state of self-esteem, I took on his opinion as more important than mine.

Why are colors so important to me and why do I get so excited about them?! I am absolutely fascinated and intrigued to notice that when I look at a certain color I feel a certain way. I feel that colors actually block out negative thoughts and emotions. I feel better when I see the color yellow. So, you bet that's what I painted my van today:::: Sunshine yellow all over!

In addition, I had the opportunity to get over my limited thinking about women and fixing things, and instead adopted a new thought pattern and new attitude. I forgave the fact that no one taught me practical things growing up; there's no point in holding any resentment and every reason to forgive. Forgiveness is a way more effective use of energy!

I have a new thought/affirmation now: "I am open to the idea that one day I will know how to fix things better. Right now I am learning and I have plenty of time still on this planet to learn, grow, make mistakes and learn from others"

Because I went in with that attitude today, I can tell it made the experience so much more rewarding and fun. And because the Spirit of optimism, foresight and love were with me, I was able to get so much accomplished!

Check out this list of things I did today with my friend Bob:::
-Fixed and cleaned the side doors
-Make homemade delicious breakfast and lunch (made coconut milk!)
-cleaned and painted rear doors
-Found and repaired three major leaks on the roof of the van
-Cleaned the top of roof
-checked and put oil in my van
-Fixed a tile that had lost stick in the kitchen
-Painted the walls yellow and orange
-Sanded all the rough edges of the wood
-painted the bed white and yellow
-reserved a book speaking engagement for myself on my Birthday ------ VERY EMPOWERING!

And, what is MOST amazing about all of this creative energy is that it stemmed from contempt. I was so angry at myself, however once I found the root of my rotting and festering points of frustration with myself, I was able to focus on the theme "empowerment". Now that the word is on my radar I am attracted a new flow of people, experiences and perspectives on the way I see life.

The good news is both internal rage and jealousy can be cured if you just listen to your dreams and take actions toward the dreams. It is not enough to talk. And, it's not ever enough to talk about it and do it. I am reaching a more hawk-like appreciation for the creative process: 1) you talk about it 2) to put action to it 3) you complete it 4) you celebrate 5) and you document it!!!

By engaging in this blog and I proud to accounce that I am doing all of those steps and it feels amazing. I feel like I can keep going like this, and my thoughts of getting out and known in the world don't seem so distant. It all feels very tangible and my future thoughts are more and more supporting this passionate, leo-rising healer that is eager to get out in the world...

First, I got to figure out who I am, get comfortable expressing my opinions, get confident sharing my gifts, and know deep down that I am valuable and my work is valuable. The rest is the process of life, or the journey. It is the wise voice inside that reminds me it is not about the destination. Enjoy the ride!

Patience

I trust that it is all unfolding at the perfect, most divine timing
I know that "being in a rush" is a negative energy that creates stress (reduces life span)
I trust that all good things are unfolding for me
I am in alignment with my purpose and the entire universe

The only reason I am not out there as  BIG shinning star
Is because I am preparing myself for success
I must nurture my cancer moon and inspire the kapha pisces that it's worth getting out there
I will deliver, I will sing, I will speak when the time is effortless

When my throat is relaxed and I feel the internal strength from the GUT
I will move forward then.....
I speak from a deep place of knowingness.
And, thus I am still practicing and affirming my knowingness.

I am having arguments with myself in order to learn how to defend myself.
The mind is strong and in order to evolve it must be transparent
How can you know you need rebirthing when you are not even aware of your thoughts?
That answer is, you can't.

You must first go into the chaotic and schizophrenic place within yourself
The part that yells and critics you...
You have to let that energy express itself, so you can begin to know how to respond
It usually all boils down to fear.

I choose love now.

It's been 4 years of stiflling my creative flow

It's really confusing to me. I have talent. I am a visionary. I am passionate about what I do. I don't want to work for other people's dreams and my near (and extremely close goal) is to work for myself-- the spirit within.

Having said that, I'm young and my gift to the world-- Yogasage-- is in it's infancy stage. Just being hatched, I am slowly crawling out of my shell, and I feel very vulnerable. I feel so exposed. I look at what I do as so incredible revolutionary, that the very thought of really telling people what's going on in my work feels taboo. I feel absolutely blocked to being transparent with what I do.

It feels illegal, and yet it brings incredible healing power to those I have the blessing to work with. The classes and workshops I teach, I know, change the lives of those I meet. To this day, I've only met one person who didn't like my style of bodywork. That's a pretty good track record, if you ask me!

So, I write, knowing that I don't feel ready nor confident to promote myself. I feel optimistic that there will be a day when I will have the confidence, the credentials, the money, the license, the education, the conviction and the unwavering faith to continue what I do. Now, I pray for patience, and I work on the art of expression.

I'm grateful to be writing again, and revisiting this blog that I set up four years ago-- when I first came to the Big Island. I have no intention of anyone else every ready this-- and so the question becomes, "than why don't you just write on your journal?" Well, this feels like a very different practice to me. It's also work my confidence because I AM putting my words and my energy out of the internet. It is PUBLISHED and there is a chance that other people will ready this. So, to me, it is a whole different energy than writing in a journal.

My goal is to one day reach the level of self-confidence and self-approval where I see my writing as valuable. I must first believe that it is worth writing and reading before anyone else can be drawn to me and my work. I cannot emphasize this enough!

If I don't believe in myself and if I don't affirm who I am and how talented I am, than I naturally attract the opposite- those who see me as worthless. The only one to blame is me. I must first see value in myself. Then, one day, when I look at my writing, I will be able to discern when the feeling shifts from a dull, numb place of "I'm not all that great" to "Wow... this is fantastic! I'd love people out there in the world to know about me".

But then, there's a lot of fish in the sea. I don't expect, and I think it would be insane to expect that everyone would like. Once I can realize there is actually a "target market" of people that would be potentially interested in what I do and who I am, than I can expect the criticism and I can expect the praise. The question is: "How do I just get in touch with those like minded people that would enjoy my writing?"