Two nights ago I raged out on myself. It was profound and welcomed. Deep down inside I was eager to know why I was feeling unhappy and unsatisfied. I knew I held all the answers within; it was just a matter of creating a certain atmosphere and series of situations to lead me down the rabbit hole into my explosive truth..
The major theme that came up for me was empowerment. I suddenly saw how my believing very little in myself and me barely supporting my dreams and what I'm passionate about has had majorly negative repercussions for my life and thus those close to me. When one operates from a state of fear and low self confidence, there is a tendency to look outside for all the answers and entertainment. This is short winded experience of happiness because you never quite understand what the big trigger of perpetual happiness is-- instead, it remains mysterious and spontaneous.
Since I know now the root of much of my unhappiness, a profound shift has occurred. I am beginning to ask myself, "What can I do for you today so that you feel empowered?" I feel so flattered every time I ask myself that question.
Hum.. Let's start with the fact that I feel unequal with men because I have a resistance to fixing things. My van (home) is broken and I've been putting off repairs with little respect toward my own sense of worth and feeling comfortable. Combating that habit, I awoke and realized taking care of my home- the place I live--- is a crucial way to support myself.
I also noticed that, since my van (mobile home) was constructed by my ex-lover, it still had his energy all over it. When he started building the vision, I started expressing my giddy excitement about painting the interior of the van. He shrugged his shoulders and said it looked better with just the wood finish. At that point in my journey and in my lower state of self-esteem, I took on his opinion as more important than mine.
Why are colors so important to me and why do I get so excited about them?! I am absolutely fascinated and intrigued to notice that when I look at a certain color I feel a certain way. I feel that colors actually block out negative thoughts and emotions. I feel better when I see the color yellow. So, you bet that's what I painted my van today:::: Sunshine yellow all over!
In addition, I had the opportunity to get over my limited thinking about women and fixing things, and instead adopted a new thought pattern and new attitude. I forgave the fact that no one taught me practical things growing up; there's no point in holding any resentment and every reason to forgive. Forgiveness is a way more effective use of energy!
I have a new thought/affirmation now: "I am open to the idea that one day I will know how to fix things better. Right now I am learning and I have plenty of time still on this planet to learn, grow, make mistakes and learn from others"
Because I went in with that attitude today, I can tell it made the experience so much more rewarding and fun. And because the Spirit of optimism, foresight and love were with me, I was able to get so much accomplished!
Check out this list of things I did today with my friend Bob:::
-Fixed and cleaned the side doors
-Make homemade delicious breakfast and lunch (made coconut milk!)
-cleaned and painted rear doors
-Found and repaired three major leaks on the roof of the van
-Cleaned the top of roof
-checked and put oil in my van
-Fixed a tile that had lost stick in the kitchen
-Painted the walls yellow and orange
-Sanded all the rough edges of the wood
-painted the bed white and yellow
-reserved a book speaking engagement for myself on my Birthday ------ VERY EMPOWERING!
And, what is MOST amazing about all of this creative energy is that it stemmed from contempt. I was so angry at myself, however once I found the root of my rotting and festering points of frustration with myself, I was able to focus on the theme "empowerment". Now that the word is on my radar I am attracted a new flow of people, experiences and perspectives on the way I see life.
The good news is both internal rage and jealousy can be cured if you just listen to your dreams and take actions toward the dreams. It is not enough to talk. And, it's not ever enough to talk about it and do it. I am reaching a more hawk-like appreciation for the creative process: 1) you talk about it 2) to put action to it 3) you complete it 4) you celebrate 5) and you document it!!!
By engaging in this blog and I proud to accounce that I am doing all of those steps and it feels amazing. I feel like I can keep going like this, and my thoughts of getting out and known in the world don't seem so distant. It all feels very tangible and my future thoughts are more and more supporting this passionate, leo-rising healer that is eager to get out in the world...
First, I got to figure out who I am, get comfortable expressing my opinions, get confident sharing my gifts, and know deep down that I am valuable and my work is valuable. The rest is the process of life, or the journey. It is the wise voice inside that reminds me it is not about the destination. Enjoy the ride!
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