I am feeling MORE and MORE free to express myself and I am feeling the lightness of this new year/paradigm/shift. Through writing, I am beginning to understand the deeper side of the limitations my mind places on my life. Over the last 5 years, in specific, I have become best friends with perfectionism. Why? Because if you understand the ins and outs of this perfected form of imprisonment, you begin to understand how to escape.
The first step is being able to recognize that you are your worst enemy. I am currently staying at a community of like-minded people- the kind that do their spiritual work and remain conscious not to project their issues onto others. Being in this environment allows me to understand how many negative things I make up in my head that I assume people are saying about me. Today, as I was walking through the land, feeling like any second someone was going to yell at me for doing someone wrong, I felt like I was walking on egg shells. It was such a dis-empowering feeling that I felt like fleeing to my van and having a crying session with my inner child.
Also, at times when I think the whole world around me is saying negative things about me, I want to run. Far, far away. This is also a very undesirable, trapped-like feeling. So, I decided to breathe into the pain and at least entertain the thought that my negative thoughts of ME are perpetuated by me.... It's not like I'm telepathically hearing what people are thinking about me... It's just ME taking off the focus from what I'm doing to think about things that don't matter and that are HUGE wastes of time.
The sensation to quit and run away from my creative project of making an AcroSage video was so strong that I started thinking out the logistics of the escape plan. I took a huge sigh and thought, "Ugh, I really really don't want to go there. I'd rather assume that things are going to work out, and that I'm meant to be here, and that I am liked and that I am welcome here".
I think a huge reason that I run away from grounding my visions and spending time being creative, is because deep deep down there is a dark seeded pain of feeling that, no matter what I do, I'm not good enough. I'm inherently flawed...
That depression zone hasn't ruled my life as of late. I find myself pushing over obstacles. I hear myself speak out loud to myself when my mind is swirling and buzzing inside my head. I spontaneously do affirmations. I ask myself often, "Ok, we finished that creative project-- what next?!?!?"
I feel so much forward momentum with the new year, and I am so grateful to be spending a sustained amount of time rising in my power (creativity). I believe I relate most everything in life to my creativity. I have no plan, no desire, no divine purpose to be a mother in this lifetime. Instead, my divine purpose is to birth my own unique form of bodywork/yoga, and share it with people. My spirit work becomes my baby. I have to remind myself of this often. Because, the more I honor my creative work and nurture my creative artist like a baby, the more clearly I understand WHY I am here.
Many out there say life isn't easy. I'd agree with that, except for one caveat; life isn't easy if you constantly fight your divine purpose or decide it's not worth the search to figure out what really makes you happy. Once you align with that which you ARE- that which makes you come ALIVE- the more grace and ease spirit showers.
I am blessed to know what I am here for. May the obstacles continue to be smashed into little pieces of no-thing-ness. A ho!
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